09 Feb Things Fall Apart
Have I gone into detail about how things are over now with T and I? Not in a stereotypical, angsty-way, as I am so prone to indulge in, but in a real, final way.
I should be happy. Nearly four years of loving someone–caring for someone–who could not care less about my own self. Wedged somewhere between wanting to be a dear friend, and a close, inseparable lover. There were no good qualities about him that could outshine all the bad he had done.
How do you let go of something, even when it has spent nearly its entire existence, destroying you. How do you walk away from that, picking out thorns, and still, in love. Still, imagining some distant, far off date where there is a restoration of happiness and peace between you and this, person, who has caused you so much ache.
I am sure there are poems buried somewhere to help me settle my thoughts, come to terms with things as they are, and will continue to be, and move on. I am not there yet. A part of me is. I have written more, interacted more. Traded in my absence for a more present, presence. I am exercising my courage, flexing my strength. I am unburying myself, and the sun is harsh, and the earth is cool and inviting. And I am sprinting forward, no longer dragging along unwanted or unneeded appendages. The shredded weight leaves an exhilarating feeling, unfamiliar, gentler, kinder.
I imagine, or believe–there to be some distant moment where there is a reconciliation. I don’t know what it looks like, or even really, what it will feel like. I don’t know if in the end I will finally no longer be in love, or if the love will have changed, matured into something more fitting, more courageous and less unsure. More willing. More steadfast. I wonder so much about what the end will look like. I am trying to learn how to focus on what is in front of me right now. I am not a patient person, but I am trying. I am eager for understanding. I am hoping one day, I will wake up, and know and understand why things have happened this way. Why I loved T. What attracted me to B. Why I fought so hard each time. What I was afraid of losing, and if I lost it? If I will ever find it again. If I will ever want to find it again. Right now, I know, that whatever I have given up, I don’t want back. I want more than whatever has already come along and passed through my hands. I resent the moments that I have happened, because they have made me stronger–shown me that there are commonalities in this world, I do not wish to share.
I did not know, that when I asked for so much, so much would be taken, and asked of me.