28 Dec This Too Is a Lesson, How Will You Choose to Embrace This Moment: 2019 A Re-Grounding Journey in Review
It feels like I have spent the past few months in nothing but review. It has been a draining, frustrating process that lends itself to the reality that the work is never done. That growth is forever, change is constant, and to wish for anything less, would not align with who I am trying to be, and become.
It is difficult to not look back on this past year, and celebrate, even if it is just to myself, the complete turnaround that I have managed, in the most unlikely of odds, to accomplish. To have been, at this time last year, only a few days from wanting to kill myself, suffocating and angry and worthless. It is hard not flashing back to what triggered those feelings, transported back to that uncertainty, standing knee-deep in a gentle river.
The worry is still there, of collapsing. Of once again, falling apart, and proving to the side of my self still battling with worst-case scenarios of what I am unworthy and undeserving of, that I could only stay together for so long, before the inevitable. I think about what New Year’s Eve has meant for me all these years, what ghosts still linger there. And my heart still hurts.
He is still there. And so are so many dreams that will never see the light of the morning sun. And yet, this year, more than anything, has challenged me to ‘believe’ and trust a part of me I buried and resented and had grown afraid of. And what I had hoped for, deep in my heart, didn’t happen, and in a cold and suffocating truth, it never may. I am still learning how to stand in the midst of that pain, that disappointment, and still call myself worthy.
So much instead has happened.
I have been accepted in a Masters program in California of which I start next Fall. I have vision again. I am dreaming again. I am stepping, boldly, in the direction of my Personal Legend. And I am not compromising myself, not diminishing my light, not lessening my voice. I have goals for a future. I have the desire for a future. I am pursing, I am learning, I am deepening my practice. I have dedicated myself, fully, to my journey, of Being and Becoming, and I am moving, still, in the midst of heartache and pain. I am still believing in more. I have an insatiable hunger. It drives me, compels me. When I am tempted with giving up, and lying down, it reminds me of the growl that has risen from my belly, and vibrates past my heart up to my throat, rattling teeth.
I have learned how to breathe in all the tight spaces. I am doing such now. Feeling what I feel, and not feeling ashamed of that. Or afraid of that. I thought I could one day escape all pain, become immune to all sense of vulnerability. Instead, I have become a gentle host who invites it all in, sits with it and listens, and lets it go when it’s time. And it is time.
I release Logan. I release my dreams of reconciliation. Of reunion. I release the longing, the hope. The pull of it. I release my love for him. I let him go and pray for his success, for our diverging paths that brought us together, and once again, went on their way.
And I embrace my future, my present. I embrace my vision of change and growth, for myself, and the world around me. I embrace the ripple-effect that is my life. I embrace the path of my empathy, my love, my care and growth. I embrace the wisdom of the Hermit, the peace of the Hanged Man, and the journey of the Fool. I embrace my Dragon dream, my Shamanism, my Hunger. I embrace authentic meaning and purposeful living. I embrace the conjoining of all the seemingly discordant pieces of my life, coming together in a far more beautiful mosaic than I ever thought possible or capable of one day being mine.
I embrace love. Dignity. Success. Wealth. Compassion and passion. I embrace everything this life has for me. I embrace this moment. I embrace you—I embrace me. For this is how it was always meant to be—for we would have always ended up here.